Hi Rosemary,

 

Well, believe it or not, I began to write this to you shortly after your Aunt Pat died, and one thing led to another and my grand daughter was here with me for 12 weeks, and so now I am sitting here finishing it up.

 

Thank you as always for writing back to me and for your kind words. I love to write, it is a passion I have, and since as far back as I can remember, it has always been, and God willing will always remain a great source of comfort to me. 

 

I am writing a book called the Last Eight Weeks "The Final Journey" - it is about how Ed and I turned 8 weeks into a lifetime and how the Holy spirit graced not just him, or me, but the two of us together at the exact moment of his death.

 

I used to only write to help myself get through one more day, but when I went back to college and had to write papers, do presentations, etc, I was pretty amazed at the comments the professors would write or the things that other students had to say. I just got comfortable being more open on a different level, and then the year I was invited to go to Washington, DC for Police Memorial Week, where I would meet with a young family who just a few months before lost a loved one to a Domestic Violence situation, and receive an award by the family - it was then that my writing took off in another direction. It was also in Washington, DC where I met and fell in love with Ed.

 

 I was able to see that when I wrote to give myself comfort, I was also able to give others comfort as well. I did not know this particular family, but I had heard about the story, and something made me reach out to them. It was a young police officer who was with the Swat Team and he was shot and killed on his 6th wedding anniversary. He left behind his wife and two small children, his parents, siblings and friends. The entire township was shocked and devastated by this vicious murder. After I wrote one piece, I was compelled to write a second - and little by little the precinct he worked at began to rally. This officer's mother-in-law begged me to come to DC so my son Michael Jr ( who had been a deputy sheriff in Vermont ) made the trip together.We were there for an entire week. It was there in DC that I purchased a pin for your Dad that year.

 

 I don't know why I had remembered his birthday coming up that June, but I did - and so when I returned, my intention was to bring it with me to New York when I went to visit my mother and call your dad - but things happened so fast. I got back, I was about to start the next semester of school, when I was told your Dad had died.

 

Now, I had not had good luck with past funerals. When my dad died, we had the accident on the way there, and when Cha died, my car caught fire, and now I am thinking, I really need to go to this funeral - I felt that I owed it to my entire family ( both sides ) to be there - maybe that was crazy thinking, but none-the-less that is what I thought. So I called the college and told them I would not be attending the first two classes. They were not happy, but tough toenails.. I had to do this - there was no escaping it. I didn't care if my car caught fire, or I had to use a skate board - I was coming to your father's funeral.

 

 I packed my bag - called my mother and said, I would be there in a few hours and that I would be spending the night with her. I put the pin I had gotten for your Dad in my purse and left. Well, I have to tell you, by the time I got to New York and went to my mom's to change and then drive to the funeral home for the wake, my legs were like JELLO - FLUFF. My heart was beating so fast, but I am telling myself... you fool - God got you this far, you can make it inside the building.

 

 The ride down from Vermont to NY was taxing because for the first time since my accident of 1988 I had to drive through the town and road where I almost lost my life all those years ago. Let me tell you - I prayed and prayed, that I was sure I could recite the Lord's prayer backwards... so now, here I am in the parking lot of the funeral home - and caskets of those who went before flashed before my eyes. I had intended on doing this alone, and while I was no longer married to Michael, he asked to go also. I understood his reasoning, and while he is not always a source of comfort for me, he was there, and he was a source of comfort. But I did all the driving... yahooooooo I was excited that I was able to over come such panic in the blink of an eye. So I get out of the car, rubber legs and all, and go inside. Sweating and trying to appear as if I were made of granite. After I got inside I began to see family and people who I had not seen in so long. I was glad to see them, but wished it had been under different circumstances. It was the first time that I had ever met Skip's wife and the first time I had seen Skip in my gosh, had to have been over 25 years. I gave Skip the pin and asked him to pin it on your dad and told him where it came from. When I went up to the casket, I was shaking so badly, I saw your father, I saw my father all at the same time  - so much went through my mind that evening! I quietly spoke to your Dad and told him where I had been and what I was doing and glad that I had kept in touch with him over the years. I even said Happy Birthday in Heaven. I told him that I was so sorry that he had been sick and had to leave his family behind - and then I asked him if he would tell my father that I loved him. I knew the message would be given.

 

 I didn't come that evening with the intention of speaking, it just happened, and later I thought, my God, maybe I should have asked, was I out of place, was I rude - but when your Mom asked me to come to the reception after the funeral, I knew it was OK. I was glad that I had made that journey - I was glad that I had the time to reflect on the way down and once there, a million things went through my mind - and somehow as the tears fell freely, a kind of peace washed over me. I so love that scripture that I sent - and you are right, life is not a bed of roses, it is challenge, but moreover it is a test - a test of our will, our strength, our faith and last but certainly not least, what God sees in each of us and how we live our lives according to HIS word.

 

Absolutely is it OK for us to cry and to mourn - God says, “Blessed are those that weep now, for you shall laugh.” In the Matthew it is written that “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" but in Luke, he tells,  not just blessed are you who mourn, but you who weep. Not just “you will be comforted,” but “you will laugh.”Our tears of sadness - in God's time will one day be replaced with tears of gladness.  Our God, all loving and knowing is not limited as we are. He will bring comfort, HE does bring comfort, He always will, God is the only one who can bring grace to each of us.

 

 Each of us is here for a reason. Each of us has a purpose. Some never know what their purpose is, while others do. Death is certain to all of us. Each of us reacts differently. Most of don't spend a lot of time thinking about death, but when it hits home and we loose a loved one - we are in a sense forced to think about it.

 

From the time we are born we begin to die - it could take a lifetime or it could be three weeks after our birth. Either way, that is a lifetime. When someone we loves dies, and people come to pay their respects, ever notice at how most will say, "I'm sorry for your loss" but don't really talk about it? Well death can be a touchy subject. And while people do mean well, most are not able to talk about their deep inner feelings, what are they feeling at that precise minute. I had 4 and a 1/2 short years if I look at it one way, or a lifetime with Ed if I look at it another way - and I could have felt abandoned if I had allowed myself to feel that way - but to blame the person who died is really silly, it is those that are left behind to help one another that are more inclined to abandon you. I felt that for a while after Ed died.

 

Hospice was here every day, sometimes several times a day, the phone was always ringing, the door bell, cards in the mail, meals being made, flowers sent and the list goes on, and then our loved one dies, and the phone stops ringing, and hospice is no more, and no one comes to the door anymore - so on and so on - that is difficult - we are left to feel what we are feeling alone - we are left to our own defenses - the quiet of the night comes and there is NO one to talk to , no one to support or to comfort you - and we begin to sink into depression and loneliness - but in truth we are not abandoned, for GOD is there in the midst of ALL THINGS! What a comfort, what a joy to know that GOD is with us always!

 

It is so good to know that Jon knew and loved Jesus. Romans 10:9, 13 "That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. . . . For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." As humans, we are conditioned to see our loved ones earthly bodies and when they die and leave us it is painful to say good bye - as you so beautifully explained Hawaii - I did something similar when I did Ed's eulogy...

 

A ship sails and I stand watching till she fades on the horizon and someone at my side says She is gone.

Gone where? Gone from my sight, that is all. She is just as large now as when I last saw her. Her diminished size and total loss from my sight is in me, not in her.

And just at that moment, when someone at my side says she is gone, there are others who are watching her coming over their horizon and other voices take up a glad shout - There she comes!

That is what dying is. An horizon and just the limit of our sight.

Lift us up O Lord, that we may see further. 

 

There is such great comfort knowing that we will see our loved ones again. Jon, your dad, my dad, Ed, your grand parents, mine, your Aunt Pat, my mother-in-law Pat, Ed's mother etc - they will not wither and fade away - they are whole again through God's promise. When we are 80 we will look back to the days before our loved ones died, and we will see their youth and their spunk, their spirit - we will remember them just as they were - young, vital - and as we grow older, those who have been given more time here, we can live with the comfort and the knowledge that soon, as our eyes tire and weakness washes over us, the next time we open our eyes - we shall see the Glory of God and we will be reunited with those that went before us.

 

 I Can See Clearly Now, was sung by Johnny Nash and for four weeks straight in the 70's it was #1 - what an awesome song. I am so happy it played that day for you and that if gave you comfort. There are many wonderful songs that have just the perfect words to ease our heartahces, or reduce us to tears. Some people don't cry because they can't and when they finally do, it frees them up to think more clearly and feel as though there is life around them.

 

The year before last we got hit hard by two hurricanes and we lost our kitchen for months on end and had massive damage to the house. Last summer the insurance company finally got their act together and work began. Ed was so thrilled to have a new kitchen. The kitchen was a room in which we both would sit at the counter, drink decaf and chat away....I remember on the 14th of June last year, I flew to NY to attend Mandy's wedding and Ed stayed behind. He was not up to flying ( he still was in a cast from having broken his femur - and the work was commencing and someone needed to be here. I remember talking to him on the phone each day, several times a day in fact. Nancy just smiled and shook her head and said, hey you are on vacation - but truth be told, as much as I loved being with my sister, I hated being away from my husband.

 

 When I flew back home, when Ed met me at the airport, I remember now thinking how much weight he lost and how tired he appeared. He could not remember where he parked the car, he struggled to find it. Then after he found it, he put that out of his mind and we went to the Cracker Barrel and had a late day dinner and just sat for hours talking and holding hands. He was so thrilled that I was home again. We had just had our yearly physicals the month before, and nothing at all showed up that indicated anything was wrong with him.

 

Ed went through spells where he was nasty and vile at times. This always happened when he would forgot to take his medicines. He was a diabetic. He was fine all of July - in fact we spent ten days at an inn while the work on our house continued. We had a beautiful ten days, but he was tired a lot, but Ed was always tired, so I had nothing to compare it too. I should have known something was wrong with his memory but he joked about it and chalked it up to old age and his physical didn't show anything that would have even warranted a CT Scan - by the end of July Ed had a really bad back pain - he went to the chiropractor who said it was sciatica - he was being treated for that.

 

The first ten days of August, even though his back still hurt, he was up and about and spending money and buying me things like it was the end of his life...little did I know....the evening of August 10th we were sitting in the Olive Garden talking and making plans about building our new house.  

 

In the early morning hours of the 11th of August he woke up in a panic, his blood sugar was 45 I ran to get him orange juice and his med's and in ten minutes he was fine and went back to sleep. The next day I took him to the VA they checked his med's adjusted them and told him to go home and rest. On the 15th of August I took him back to the VA this time to see the doctor not some PA and she ordered tests but she was not at all alarmed. She was just concerned about his not talking his med's though and said from now on your wife is in charge and he laughed and with that, he put his head on her desk and turned white as a sheet.

 

She told me to take him to the closest hospital as the VA hospital was 45 minutes away  - we were at the out patient clinic. Ed insisted that he come home first - he told the doc he needed to lie down - why she agreed I will never know, not that it would have made a difference. It would be his last official visit home before we learned of his fate. I took him the ER, now you know how the ER's can be I'm sure.. well they took him in right away - by the time I did the paper work, 20 minutes later they had him on morphine.. by now all kinds of thoughts are going through my mind and red flags etc. I thought it was his heart - the thought of death had not entered my mind though. Four hours later, Ed made me go home - he wanted to sleep ( the doctor called me and said ) 'I think that your husband has small cell cancer and if he does, pray it didn't begin in his lungs. The next morning a biopsy was done, and that night we met with the Oncologist who promised us hope and said a regimen would begin that weekend. This was before the result came in. He offered Ed 11 to 15 months.

 

The cancer as it turned out, was small cell and did in fact begin in the lungs and went into the liver, the pancreas, the kidney, all but his heart and his brain. Yet the brain was severely atrophied. That of an 85 year old man. I swear Rosemary, just a few days before we were sitting in the Olive Garden and Ed looked so handsome, just the way I always remembered him. Once the cancer was confirmed as terminal -and he was given such a short span of time and with the chemo that they gave him, almost over night he began to age dramatically. And we are helpless to do one single thing to change that. So what we did was to accept that which we could not change, unless it was God's will to do so - and we took those 8 weeks and we used them wisely. I will always be so grateful for that time. We gave full attention to each other and we turned all of our fears and worries over to GOD. 

 

 We each read our bibles, then we would discuss the parts that we read. One of the last parts was of Song of Solomon. It was in this reading that both Ed and I saw that the Song of Solomon was a great love story. I clearly came to understand that Ed's deep and abiding love of God - and that is had always been there, just tucked away during his harrowing sorrowful loss of his only son. Ed said that after reading the Song of Solomon it gave him peace and quieted his heart. It was indeed a highly spiritual moment for my husband. The nurse from Hospice encouraged both of us to read this Song and then to discuss it. Ed and I always had different opinions about things. He read his bible, I read mine and at the kitchen table the next afternoon, we sat and discussed and both of us came to the conclusion that the message we were getting was something that we would never forget. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; ²⁶ That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,

 

A longed for moment in human salvation when Jesus would come. No if's and's or butts about it. HE WOULD COME. Ed and I both viewed The Song of Solomon as one of great promise. One, that even after the fall of man that the Creator and creation would be forever. As it says in Revelations 22:20 He which testifieth these things saith, Surely I come quickly. Amen. Even so, come, Lord Jesus.

 

Today, I call upon our Lord and Savior and pray for patience and insight and understanding and that things will be revealed to me in HIS time not mine. I pray that today I will be more tolerant of those who normally might drive me up a wall - I will ask the Lord to help me to remember those last 8 weeks and the peace and comfort that came to a man and his wife, even though one of them was about to leave this world. Ed needed to know that I would be OK. I told him I would, because he wanted to close his eyes and to go home, but he would not until he heard me tell him that. But when I actually did say those words to him, I knew that they were true honest spoken words. I never promised him that I would not cry or miss him ( expect when I did his eulogy, he made me promise to be stand tall, be proud and to not shed any tears. And I prayed on that, and as I stood in St. Martin's and I read the eulogy that I wrote before Ed died, because he said he needed to hear it,  I did not wavier nor did I shed tears. I will enclose the link for you to read what it was that I wrote on the day I stood in the church before family and friends. I will never forget what Ed and I had, I will never ever forget what I felt at the precise moment of his death. I will never ever forget watching and feeling the peace that came over Ed at the moment of his transition.

When Ed was about to make his transition, I became very calm - I would surely miss my husband, I would never regret the time we had together, short lived or not, because it was the time God gave to us. I was calm, Ed was calm in those last 8 weeks. Death was not going to be the end - but rather a new beginning. A new journey for me here on earth, and clearly a new journey for Ed with God. It is of great comfort to know that even though we all suffer and go through the trials and tribulations of life - knowing that our spirit is calmed - gives great comfort.

Today - I will be a better person, more tolerant, less critical and far more loving. These are the things that will make me be stronger -  I will remember the things my husband taught me. My heart misses Ed of course, but I no longer cling to the promise that one day Ed and I will meet again, I know that we will. His illness, his death gave me a glimpse that I doubt less then 5 % of all  humans ever get to see or bear witness too. The future of God's promise.

 

May God Bless you, today, tomorrow, always!

 

THE MASTER'S BOUQUET

The Master walked in His Garden,
Plucking flowers along the way;
He plucked one of my loved ones,
To add to his bouquet.
My heart at first was broken,
At the loss of one so dear;
But the tears I shed just washed my eyes,
So I saw His way more clear.
My Lord has a need for just this one,
For the pattern He has in mind;
But it's hard for the rest of us to see
Why we must be left behind.
Perhaps we are not ready to go just yet
We may need to ripen more
To reach the full blown fragrance
My Lord is waiting for.
To each give forth a fragrance
To each we chance to meet
We should each be trying day by day
To make our fragrance sweet.
So I'm going to try my very best
To be loving and kind each day,
So at last I'll be counted worthy
To be part of My Master's Bouquet.

author "Unknown"

 

Love,

-Janet- 

 

Instead of putting in the link to the Eulogy

It is written out on the very bottom of the right side of this page.